why life should be diffrent then the way it is

sorry

2004-07-14T16:36:22Z

sorry ive been really busy over the last few months... well i turn 16 in a few days yay.. well olivia and i are completly over even thou we broke up once and then went out again for a day and then i broke up with her because she was a bitch and i couldnt stand her she annoyed the hell outta mee. o wellz im happy now hmmm what been up with ya'll im just been sittin around not really i wish i could but on the other hand ive been gettin up at 7:30 and going all day with out a nap :((.... i dont know im just kinda been runnin around with absolutly no clue as to what im doing.. i really miss all of my freinds epeicially tiffany, megan the twins, mandy, and i just miss everyone.... well let me see here there is alot of diff things in tx that i didnt expect.. im not going to go into alot of detial because of some diff reasons but let us just say that im kinda diff here than i was there...

im so

2004-05-06T00:11:44Z

im so happy right now nothing can ruin it i think i dont know i hope not. well last night i was introduced to a girl named olivia she is one of my cousins freinds and so we started talking at about 9 or so and about 10 my cousin got off and we contiued to talk and the more i talked to her and her to me the more i liked her well about 12 or so we started to play the kissing game i mean it was fun by then we had exchange picts and i mean this girl is really cute i was suprized to find that she didnt have a boyfreind. well then i told her i liked her and she confessed to me that she like me to. and so about 12 45 i asked her out and she said YES i was soo happy i still cant belive she said yes. so this morning i called her and told her goodmorning im still really really happy. happier that i have been in a long time.

this weekend

2004-04-26T00:37:43Z

let us see:

umm here we go let see umm friday night i kinda did nothing except get in an argrment with someone from umm atlanta and and his freinds and one vowed to kill me heheee o well i want to see him try hehee o well umm i was up till about 2 doing that do i didnt wake up till like 12:30 on saturday and about 5:30 i when to rockford to go to the mall and spend my moms money heheee umm i made her buy me a doggie collar and a happy tree freinds sweatband with Nutty on it. i was going to see a freind but she is a dits and dont know what in the world she is doing and has no idea where her house is even so i didnt go see her then i when to the bar with my mom (o goody and frowns) then i when home and did abosoulty nothing i cleaned my room wow real fun let me tell u it took me two hours to do it kinda bad huh? and today has been nothing but watch tv and eat food i think im going to read all of the books in my room next it will take me about six year o well i have nothing better to do cant you tell pretty bad huh? any book any of you suggest i will read them most likly i dont do my homework so i have plenty of time hehee well i think im going to go lil miss goth who is reading this thank you very mucb i really wish i could meet you in person. well good night people

the update

2004-04-22T00:55:52Z

well im still not to sure as to what i want to do i mean i really want to know my dad but to be really and truly honest i really really really dont want to leave all of my freind it really suck i wish i could move them all with me and then thing would be whole bunchs better but i know better so i dont fool my self for a minute that i can get even one of them to move with me (and looks down really really depressed) but i know i can make new ones but i really dont want to. i wrote today why life sucks. o yeah to the ones who read this and live by me if i do desiced to move there i will have to come back for a day or so and i want to see everyone but i dont know how in the world all of my freinds will get along with each other because like megan and monica will absolutly hate to be but them. but i need a list to who wants to see me when i come back for a day so u three what about u what about u? and i have to get a job because i need to get a cell phone again because i will need to be able to get ahold of everyone plus it helps with the freedom thing them but this thing has been sitting here for a while if i want to finish it in a while i will but good bye

i can wait heheeee

2004-04-02T03:15:42Z

im so ready im leaving for texas in less than a week holy shit i havent even packed any thing yet opps o well ill wait until like wendsday and then start o well its always fun to do that you should try it sometime it fun running around in a hurry like that. right now one of my cousins is being really weird she wants to know if ive ever done drugs or any thing like that im like no drugs but alcohal is fun heheee so i dont know maybe i said somthing wrong but she said that shes got drunk and ithat was really new to me because i thought she was a really stuck up person and so i never really got to know her that well but now i think i will because she seems more freindly or somthing i dont know. maybe im just really stuck up i dont know what do you think? well i think am about to go o wait i never told you who i like her name is _____ and i really like her but one of her freinds is one of my ex's witch makes my chance of having her slim and none so i dont know but as far as i know shes single and i really like her because shes her own person and she dosen't care what other people think about her and she really likes to stand out in the crowd and so that is why i like her and she likes all the same stuff i do so its kool and well i dont know but i think i have to go goodnight cassandra and miaganne to the rest of you go to hell and burn ther heheeee

i think

2004-03-31T03:51:01Z

lets see what i think about things right now. well right now i dont even like any one at all i mean some people look good not saying any names at all and its no one who reads this so dont worry anybody and most of the people i talk to i cant stand hardly any more for some reason i dont know why i dont get it they bugg me alot i going to read IT by steven King i dont know im so lost and im cant find my way out of my own head its so completly hopless in my head there is noting anybody can do for me of any thing i can do about it. it just goes on and on and it is so lonly and hopeless i cant think straght ir even seem to do any thing right for me or any body else around me that i most care about and i think im starting to get so strong that i dont even know what im capable of it seems like everyone i touch gets hurt so i dont think iwill touch anybody of any thing. i think im going to become a buddist because they seem so at peace with the world and whats around it and so i think i will become one it will kill my dad if he finds out but i think that it is worth it to be at peace with my self and the world around me it seems so peaceful im so confused with my self and so i dont know i can hardly feel any thing at all and so im in a sence of numbness right now and it feels kinda good not to feel all the pain and suffering in my life right now so i think i will enjoy it while i can so i dont now it feel conpletly useless to live in life and im not sure why i put up with it maybe its the fact that if i do kill myself i dont know what my mom will do or maybe i will and no body will care shall we try and find out i think we should hold on i have to find my knife no i do think i will i wiil get to may other people pleasure in knowing i die because they got to me hay wait why should i care o yeah i dont that would make sence. its amazing how fast you can some people pissed at you i meam really try it sometime its kinda fun to whach them get really pissed and try and hit you when there that mad i serious its funny but dont do it to someone who is like really big and will kick your ass for it it would be a bad idea unless you can out run them but still i wouldnt try it. ooo yeah i want to die my hair white to see what its like and i want to put blue tips in it to heheee i think it will be kool. well i think im going to go and if you didnt read all of it you can go to hell and burn there until you burnt and cripy heheee well good night to all of those who read all of it and have a nice day

nothing to say

2004-03-25T23:17:03Z

today i had nothing to say to people so i really did talk a whole lot i mean at lunch i did but really other than that i really didnt say any thing and people were like whats wrong and shit but to be honest i just didnt feel like talking at all the only time i talked is when i had to witch i really did have to do but well hell i dont know im just tired of how life works and there isnt anything you can really do about it so you are forced to deal with it and so i just feel so alone right now. i feel like im in a huge maze and the minitar is after me and im out of breath and hes right around the corner tauting me and now my parents are determained to catch me at somthing so they can ground me for no reason and lately the always are and im not sure why i think they think if they ground me maybe ill cheer up yah right ill just feel conpletly alone at least i have the minitar for company even if he is trying to eat me or im my case trying to make me kill my self but o well i think that being alone is good for someone but to be alone all the time could drive someone insane i know it buggs me and for everything to be quiet that really gets on my nerves so i always have somthing going to where its not quiet. and right now im so bored i dont know what to do and the only thing keeping me sane is the music im lisening to be because its crazy so i i dont have to be yay

i dont know ;p

2004-03-23T02:26:18Z

lalalalalalalalalalala but dont mistake im really tired and kinda numb right now im sitting here thinking about what my life could have been if i hadent done this or that im not really sure what i feel right now i think i want to dye my hair white and get really dark contacts though i dont need them i think it would scare people alot though and i want that because even if i do fit in with some of them i think there kind of annoying most of them there is such a thing as a not annoying prep im not to sure i mean there is a few that are alright but most of them are just really annoying i know that like 99.9% of them are annoying because i use to go to a prep school and they were all really stuck up and real assholes and so that is how i get to the conclusion that all but a few preps are annoying and now that i just talked to one of them it confirms my belif that preps are really annoying and just alike in almost every way shape and form and i know that some people think that about football players but we arent because im a football player and im not a prep atleast i hope im not to some of you i hope im that weird fucked up kid that no one whats to bee seen in public with thats who i hope to be ^_^ and if thats what u think of me then thank you for the rest of you go to hell i dont like u any way heheee lalalalalalalalalalala and its really fun to piss mandy off right now because she makes it to easy for me o well its her own fault not mine she did what she wanted to its not my fault that it was me and if she wants to take it back well sorry but to late it was u not me but hay what do i can i do about it to me it dont really matter because i dont like her any more i wonder why that is maybe because shes really starting to annoy me i dont know i think its that a guys feeling change that easyly or maybe its just me i dont know but i can stop liking someone really easliy or maybe i really didnt like her im not to sure i think its that i liked her a little bit but then we got close and then she started to get annoying for some reason im not to sure why but i did so o well but now i dont thank god but o well im not to sure on who i like now im conpeltly lost as to what my feeling tward anyone are so i think well i dont know whati think so im not to sure on any think one thing is though i like the people im lisening to there really good but i forgot there name so hold on ill tell u fetisch's dramacator it really good for all those who read this far should lesin to it and to those who didnt well fuck u to the and go to hell with yah o well i think this is probley long enough what about u what do u think

i so miss her already

2004-03-22T16:14:54Z

holy shit shes been gone only like 3 days and i already miss her tommorrows going to be really diffrent i dont know what its going to be like im not quiet sure i dont know im going to be so lost i dont know how im going to go through lunch it just not going to be the same its just going to be really diffrent wow this is my shortest one yet so here you go you should be able to read this one any of you people

boring or not who know u have to read it

2004-03-22T05:55:29Z

today was really boring i went with my mom to take my step brother home because i didnt know if jessica or anybody would be doing any thing so i just really didnt want to sit home so i went with but now i wish i hadnt because i ate way to much and now my stomace is sick because of all the fried food that i ate like mcdonalds french fries witch were really good but now i feel really sick from them and so i wish i hadnt ate them but today wasnt all that bad because i went to a freinds for a while and got fucked by her freind witch felt pretty good because im really getting tired of the wait 5 months and do it with a girlfreind because its kind of a long time so i just went and had fun!! and then i came home and played cards with my parents witch wasnt to bad and now im really tired and bored and i just really what o see someone but im not telling u who u have to guess and no its not who u think though i wish she wouldnt have moved i already miss her alot and so now im sitting here thinking of someone you can only guess who is because im not telling so :P. yah i finally finished my book and now im on to a new one about a submariens diesings that were stolen from the us goverment that would create the ultamit killing machien that had AI and that is as far as ive gotten. you know what i love black and i wish my intire wardrobe what black i would be happy with it but then again no one else would but wait a minutie when did i start to kare what other people thought about me and i anwser my self i never did yay for me but as u can tell when i get tired i get really weird for those of u who dont know me i am really weird but shush dont tell anyone heheee and while im typing im kinda of daydreaming as well and so this is probley really weird and just fucked up but o well heheee im just kinda fucked up in the head anyway just ask anyone that knows me mandy cassandra jessica lynsey jaime jill trinity traci tiffany you really have to pick one but those are only a few to go on so i dont know but i proubly should go to bed because its like midnight and soo goodnight to all and to those who didnt read it all well go to hell and fuck u :P saylave

todays lessons

2004-03-21T01:52:25Z

todays lessons are as followed: well here goes today was alright until i go home and was in my room alone then things got to the point where they are almost unbearable in life and i feel like im letting my freinds down when im so depressed because then i dont talk to anyone and then im all quite or im really loud to make everyone think im fine and im really not because on the inside im screaming or crying and wishing to die and then things would be better off because all the pain would be gone and all the suffering and i would see all my relitive ive never meet or the ones i have and have lost. i wish all of this was a dream and i would wake up and realize that i had been dreaming and that everything was fine my grandma was alive and my uncle didnt have cancer and my parents werent divorsed and that i wasnt always depressed about nothing or maybe its everything to me and i dont even know of and so i thing that it would be great if i could do that but i know it will never happen becuase this is my life and if i want to change it i have to ether move to Texas or make it change here and right now i dont have the enery to start over in everything im my life it just doesnt happen that easily. i was just wondering how many times in my life i will think about or try to commit suicide i was just wondering because i think if i tryed to commit suicide as many times as ive thought about it then i would have died along time ago of loss of blood or they just couldnt revive me in time or i just didnt want to live i dont know but if i really wanted to die i could probley shoot my self i have a gun im my room it would be so easy but it would be a real mess afterward and so i think that if i did survive witch whould not be likly i think my mom would kill me because i made a mess so i dont know i think i should but the only reason i havent is because my family has suffered one loss in the last year why should they have to go through another why should i be that selfish i dont think i would be right so i dont the promise to me is nothing any more i wish i hadnt made it but i cant take it back now so o well i have nothing really good to live for anyway so i think i should i really wish it would end but then again i dont because then ill never get to experiance getting drunk legally or living on my own or seeing my kids grow up or any think like that that all people should be able to see and that is one of the reasons i dont i know this is getting really long but o well i think it is worth it because i know people dont have the pations to read this far into the story but o well i am just thinkin out loud witch can be very dangerous but o well well this has been fun but i have to go and to those who did read it all congrads and to those who didnt o well you didnt need to anyway but then again none of you should have read this it was for me to write or think out load to my self but u read it and o well and if you dont like it then get the fuck over it

i dont even know

2004-03-20T05:07:14Z

why is life so fucking depressing i can understand why people should have to go through this in life and so i think that if thing wouldnt be counted against me when i die i think i would have already ended it im not even sure there is a heaven but my dad is so sure there is you cant i beleive that like he does i really dont know why he can belive that so blindly and i cannot i wish i could i really dont. i cant belive shes gone im so sad im actally starting to cry and its so not like me to do this and i cant feel right now i think i just want to end life and i think its my fault that one of my freinds feel the same way i do im so lost and conpletly alone that i feel like im the only person in the world that feels this way and i know im not but still it feels like i am. and i could end this so quickly that i would hardly feel that pain for very long and it would be all over and no one would kare o i wish i had not made that promise o i do and u know how people say that it hurts but to me it feels good like im lossing things and feelings that i didnt want but the onlyproblem is that when the blood stops the feelings come back as if they were sucked back up in my body. i feel like im lost in space and time and the only thing to stop it is the knife laying right next to me and it would be so simple and and the only thing to tell me that this isnt a dream that i should wake for is the music is movinh in s cordinated movement and dosent sounmd like a blur in time and it keeps playing and it is if the music is the only thing real in the room the rest seems a blur in time and it has no significant value and as i lay here in this feelingless place i think about why life has to bee like this and i wonder why things have to be the way they do and as i lay her i smell her perfume on my sweatshirt and i think about why her parents had to move her and why they would not at least let her stay until next year. but if i do decide to go through with this and do cut it would feel so good to me it feels like cuming in a girl or in and to the girls who arent vigins who are reading this and orgasam its such a rush to me i think its fun but everyone says its bad for ur health and that it damages your body well so is living in this world of ours playing a sport or walking down the hallway for that matter life is damage to ur body. so shspe it would tingle and feel so good ( amd smiles insanly) i wish i could end it all and then maybe it would be less painfull for everyone i dont know i think it would be im so sad why does life have to be so painful i wish i knew i really do well when u all read this witch i know u will have fun and welcome to how i really feel and i hope u like it because its what i go through everyday

im starting to think

2004-03-20T03:50:02Z

ive been thinking alot latly about things that have to do with life and how it goes. and i have come to the conclusion that girls have alot to do with things that make our lives living hells and so i think that i want to end life my freinds im having a really hard time with because i really dont want to be around people right now and one of my best freind i just got mad at is making this really hard and so i think that if i had not made that promise that my life would not have lasted this long and i didnt even get to say goodbye to her and so she gone now and i dont even know what im going to do and right now i just feel like life should end and i just told her some of what ive been thinking about and she is kinda helping but i still dont really want to talk about things and im just so tired of how life is going i think that if i did end it nobody would even kare so and i know that people are always like when you say ur thinking about that there like omg how could u think that and in thier minds there like o not this again and how are pill suppost to help o im srry there suppost to make you all happy and it doesnt matter if your really miserable as long as your happy on the outside what dose it matter what u really think about in ur mind well i think that is bullshit and so when my mom whats me to take my pills i take them and i put on a good show on the outside but on the inside im depressed and tired and unhappy with the way things are going and i know people are going to read this and go o my god how can u actully think this but right now i really dont kare and mandy i know ur going to read this and i really dont kare but dont u say a god damn word about this and u ether cassandra this is suppost to be my journal so quit fucking reading it god damn leave me alone. and be pissed at me i dont give a fuck right now

im so sad i dont know what to do

2004-03-19T04:38:32Z

i cant belive it my freind brittany is moving ot idiana on saturday and is not comming back until summer but shes going to live the so today i was really depressed and sad all day although i didnt look like it on the outside i was really sad on the inside so after school i stayed in town with her and some other freinds and it was really kool but it was also really sad just the same so i dont know i think that me having a hard time with life and to lose one of my freinds really made it more difficult to go through with life just the same because it wont be the same without her im going to miss her so much i dont know what me and my freinds are going to do without her. but the really werid part is that today i found out that i was liked by 2 girls i didnt know liked me so it was really kind of a mind blower there and so it was a good thing but also a really really bad thing because i like both of them and i really like one of them but she has a boyfreind and we were dancing and she was sitting between my legs and all but kissed and the other one i like but not as much and none the less i still like her and now i really dont know what to do about things and so i think im just going to stay single for a while witch i know probley wont happen but i will try but right now im still kinda depressed and all those things about losing a good freinds and right now im so tried the screen of my motitor is moveing sideways and up and down so its kinda really neat but also really hard to see what im typing so. and im also havin problems in school with math and keyboarding because math is just hard and keyboarding the teacher is a real bitch and no one in the class likes her at all and my freind megan is waiting for the chance to bitch her out for any little thing that she has to say but she wont talk to are gourp at all and we call her a cunt and everything to her face and she dosent do a damn thing so she wont give us the chance so i dont kwow well i have to go goodnight

oooooooooo no

2004-03-16T03:44:15Z

o my god o my god my freind is cutting and theres nothing i can do to stop it i can do anything i feel so helpless i wish i were there and she wants to be alone an thers nothing i can do to stop her im so lost and to be lost and to have a freind thats doing that and to know what she going through is one of the most scary thoughts in life and when you know what its like then you really feel sorry for them but you dont know what to do since they live in another state and you cant get them to got to one of there freinds houses and so things just never turn out to be like you think life should be and so you die and you get over it and if you dont get over it the o well u die anyway but on a happyer note i have freinds online that are kick ass and so its fun

today

2004-03-15T03:28:30Z

today was kinda boring and kinda fun but mostly it was boring but my book on the other hand is fun and kind gory and scary its called cabnits of couroisty it about these people who are trying to solve a 100 year old case about a serial killer that killed people while they were still alive and would experimane on them to try and fugire out how to make his life longer altogether there were 37 murders and not even jack the ripper had that many kills and so its really kool and i read that alot of the day and well idont know i think my mom whould have a heart attack if she found out i was talkin about things but not to her i dont know heheee but o well liofe sucks then you die but o well i have to go i need to go take a bath so i dont stink o well bye to me

y today was annoying

2004-03-14T02:24:33Z

today was fun but annoying because my little brother was always tagging along and he has really small legs so he cannot walk very fast and that was bad because we were at woodfield mall in chicago an i had to stop every fifteen seconds because he would fall or somthing else stupid and the when we sat down for lunch he didnt even eat his food and so it was really bad because his was a kids protion and was just the same price but we had to throw it away and so my mom was pissy and so finally i got to go to the shops i wanted to go to thank god and so when we finally go back to the truck he bitched and complained the intire way back to huntly were we finally gave him back that that witch of a mom of his and thank god we got peace and qiuet yah and now im happy